Separation Struggles for Child and Parent

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Article Summary

Separation from a parent is a normal part of childhood development, and of parenting too. It's marked by developmental milestones like learning to use the potty and going to day care or nursery.

Separation from a parent is a normal part of childhood development, and of parenting too. It's marked by developmental milestones like learning to use the potty and going to day care or nursery. These changes introduce new experiences as your little one begins to explore his world in new ways.

Being Left and Doing the Leaving

Separation and Anxiety

How to Help Your Child

How to Help Yourself

Being Left and Doing the Leaving

During this time, for instance, children learn words to talk about going to the bathroom. Parents learn how to spot signs of toilet training readiness. Socialising with family and friends, greater mobility, and a growing vocabulary all prepare children for these early life changes.

These transitions can be hard on both sides. A parent watches from the sidelines in angst, fearful that her child will fall down after making those first few steps on her own. A child begins to feel sad when she has to say good-bye to a friend after a particularly fun day at nursery.

Separation and Anxiety

Separation is a challenge when children become intensely anxious about leaving a parent or caregiver. Some anxiety is normal and even expected. Take the instance of when you say good-bye to your little one to go to work. "Don't go, Mummy!" he cries. "Big hug, I need another big hug!" You feel terrible. It's an effort to walk out the door. You call from the road three minutes later only to learn that your child is playing happily.

Separation is harder to manage when the anxiety becomes more intense, long-lasting, and ongoing. The child who doesn't want to go to day care is a common example. Your child may go to great lengths to stay at home with you. She says she doesn't feel well, she has a tummy ache, and the clincher ? she just doesn't want to go, full-stop.

Keep in mind that problems with separation often arise during developmental transitions such as sleeping in a "big kid bed" or adjusting to a new little brother or sister. If this is the case at your house, ask your child what is difficult about the new situation. Young children don't necessarily have the verbal skills to directly share their experiences, so have your child play or draw to learn more about her feelings. Observe when the intense reaction occurs. Does it happen before you leave the house for an extended period of time? Does it happen when you take your youngest to the doctor's, leaving your oldest behind? The reactions you see in your child can guide you in efforts to manage difficult separation situations. Some children, for instance, have no problem saying good-bye after an activity or event is over. For others, the departure is tear-laden and painful. Identifying when separation comes up for your child is one way to plan for it and be ready to respond when it does occur.

Problems with separation can also develop when your young child starts to stay with a babysitter for the first time when you go back to work. A good rule in this situation is to make your departure a quick one. Don't keep saying good-bye, as this prolongs the upset for the young child. However, be sure to say a direct good-bye to your child rather than "disappearing" when he's in the next room. In the long run, a sudden vanishing act adds to your child's anxiety. Now he's worried about when you will momentarily become unavailable. Avoiding the pain of good-bye also means that your child doesn't get to transition from knowing you are there, watching you go, and adjusting to being with the sitter.

Going to school for the first time is another important transition for children. Explore ways to make the transition easier. Meet soon-to-be-classmates and visit the school the summer before to minimise the fear of the unknown. Some nursery schools have phase-in programs where parents attend school with their children at the beginning of the year and gradually ease out of the classroom.

How to Help Yourself

Finally, consider your own separation issues. If your child gleefully leaves your embrace and runs to the classroom the minute you get to school, do you find yourself wondering, "Wait a minute! Does that mean my child doesn't want to be with me? Is it that easy for her to say good-bye?" While this is a normal, human reaction, it is important to think about whether the parent's own separation issues influence the child's. Children are like sponges. Their perceptiveness and ability to read people (like their parents!) means they react to how they think you're doing. Talk about your separation struggles with your partner, friends, or other parents. It's harder for children to leave you when they sense that you don't want to leave them.

One way to cope with the separation you and your little one both struggle with is to develop a good-bye ritual. A good-bye ritual can be as simple as waving good-bye and blowing kisses to one another, you from the street, your child from the window, as you make your way to work. Another tip is to make a plan with your little one about a fun activity you can share when you're reunited. Discussions about going to the library or playing at home give both you and your youngster something to look forward to, making the separation that much easier. Finally, remember ? growing up is hard to do, for children and their parents!

Category Tags:

Behaviour

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Working parent

Article Tags:

babysitting

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routine

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separation anxiety

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life changes