Learning about 'no!'

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By: Dieter Wolke

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Article Summary

Discipline is the second most important thing you give to your child. Love is the first.

The original meaning of the word discipline is teaching - not punishment. And the goal of this teaching is self-control - to help your child know and learn "This is where I must stop. And I can stop myself."

A child of 4 or 5 years who knows his own limits is a secure child: he knows he can control himself, and this fills him with pride. A "spoilt" child does not know his boundaries and is likely to tease and tease in a desperate quest for someone to say, "No! That's enough!" According to Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years, a child who is not disciplined feels unloved.

How can you, as a parent, provide this teaching? By telling your child, in words or in actions, "Every time you do this, I must stop you - until you are able to stop yourself."

Smacking Is Not the Answer

Setting Limits Step by Step

Smacking Is Not the Answer

By actions, I don't mean physical punishment. This is no longer tolerable. It is not respectful. A child rarely learns from being physically assaulted. And if he does learn something, it is only to bottle up his feelings and hide his anger. The all-too-likely result of this manoeuvre: The child will retaliate and act out his anger later on.

We live in a violent society. When we teach our children that violence is the way we settle disagreements, we, as parents, are fostering violence as a way of life. Do we want to do that? In addition, we can get away with physical punishment only as long as we are bigger and smarter than our child.

Nevertheless, most of us were smacked when we were growing up. As a result, it is hard for us not to react with punishment when we are out of control. My mother used to whip us with a tiny branch from a shrub. We had to pick it out. Whenever it happened to me, both she and I cried the whole time. It was nothing but traumatic for both of us. I swore I'd never do that to my own children. Yet when they were really "bad", I found myself tempted by violence.

But when we overreact in these situations, we set an example for our children of being out of control at precisely the time when we want them to learn control. Do we mean to do that? My 5-year-old grandson recently said to his mother (my turbulent daughter), "Mum, we'll feel better if we talk about this when you've calmed down."

That's why when a child loses control and needs to be disciplined, it is crucial for the parent to remain calm and in control, and to always remember that the goal is teaching, not punishment.

Setting Limits Step by Step

Discipline is hard for parents to face. It is difficult for parents who work outside the home to set limits when they have been away all day. Many at-home parents feel that they should "use their words" instead of setting and keeping to firm limits. Maybe they, too, long to avoid the confrontation that results when you establish boundaries. Discipline is especially hard when parents are stressed. When you feel out of control, you become aware of the anger you feel towards your child, and that's frightening. How do you discipline when you are faced with such challenges? Here are some guidelines.

 It helps to decide ahead of time what is negotiable and what is not. For example, safety is not negotiable. Once you've determined this, it's easy to lay down clear rules and consequences, and to be definite and consistent.

 When it comes to negotiable issues, save your discipline for important things. A constant barrage of "noes" makes all of them seem inconsequential. It is more exciting to watch mummy get upset and suffer the consequences.

 Be calm but firm. If it's possible, be consistent. If not, don't labour the point.

 When a child loses control and needs discipline, break the cycle of being out of control with a time-out, or by holding or isolating him.

 As soon as you've broken the cycle, quickly sit down and get close again. Explain why you did what you did. Repeat the phrase "until you can stop yourself". Offer ideas on how to accomplish this. Haim Ginott recommended that a parent hand over some of the responsibility to the child by the time he is 4 years old: "I get angry every time you do that. I don't like to be angry with you. Can you give me any ideas about how to help you avoid doing that before we get into trouble?" If the child makes a suggestion, be sure to try it - and to give him credit if it works.

 It helps to look behind a child's behaviour if it is repeated. Ask yourself, "What is my child saying?" In some cases, the behaviour is normal. For example, lying and stealing are typical of 4- and 5-year-olds. Lying reflects a desire to live up to the wishful thinking that the lies represent. Stealing is part of a child's wish to be "like" the person from whom he steals. This doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't discipline the child, because you should. But understanding the child's hidden goals can give you the balance you need not to overreact. And interpreting the child's actions for him may be more incisive than any other form of discipline: "I know you want that to be true, and I wish it were like that, too. But you and I know better."

 When it's over, balance the negatives with a real positive: "It's so good that that is over; now we can be close again. I hate being angry with you."

Above all, remember that your actions serve as an example for your child of how he can control himself. It's a huge responsibility.

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